It’s been awhile since we last talked. I feel awkward even stating that since it seems that our relationship has been defined already. I don’t know if you even care to hear my rambling this time. Much like a Wes Anderson film, you might think it’s the same problem, same talk, with different words. Watch harder, look more carefully. Each is unique, all have heart.
I don’t know where to begin. Should I even? If you only want to know that my life has been dark as of late, then there you go. Take what I’ve said and leave. You won’t want to actually understand; I don’t even know if I want to. But I have no choice to see myself. You get me externally, I have to have me internally. This is why I have more friends than I deserve. This is also why know one will ever know me. If you are still reading this, then I will do my best to paint a window for you. You’re not allowed in; but look through if you will.
Some say that the Holy Spirit shows us ourselves. That may be true. I think it’s more true to simply treat yourself as a roommate, a boyfriend/girlfriend, an inseparable spouse (which is how it should be understood). Much like a relationship, you will know them over time. I am an introvert. I’m closer to me than most people are with themselves. Much like a friend you choose not to see or hear from anymore, you forget the good times. You stopped the relationship (or they with you) because the bad outweighed the good. Do you remember the good anymore? I don’t. I look at me and frustrate myself. I am my own worst enemy. “Keep your friends close and your enemy closer” could not be a truer understanding of this relationship. But the trouble here is I can’t stop the relationship. I cannot divorce myself from me. Much like marriages, I have to find a way to make it work, “until death do us part.”
Death. Why do people grieve over death? Why are people afraid? Loss of love? Selfish. Destruction of Beauty? Inevitable. All is entropy. All is vanity. Death is the end of a book; the curtain of a play; the fade-to-black of a film. So why must we fear the end? Breathe. It’s coming.
Morbid? Demented? Sick in the head? Am I really? Then yet again, I’m on the outside. Death is an outsider. But God is one as well. Humanity separated from God, taking community, the “in” crowd, with them. Elitests. God became man to relate to us, to try to find his way “in”. Yet he refused to compromise who he was for it. Someone sniffed a rat. They killed him. Khattam-Shud. The end. Death.
I get that I cannot be a part of anything. I understand that my own culture is against me. I also understand that my cowardice will get the best of me. God promised hope to the outsiders, even to the people who aren’t outsiders yet. Read his word carefully, because you have to be an outsider to get “in”. Here’s the question for myself though: can I ever be “in” even with the outsiders? Is God’s hope legitimate or a ruse? Will I only ever be alone?
Everything I’ve written has been good food for thought. I wish I could stop the message here. To tell you that I’m stuck in these questions, confusion. I guess there is still hope for me, since part of me is still stuck in questions. But to question creates a fork in the road of “faith”. And the other part of me is walking down a path. I feel condemned already by the outsiders, by “Christians”, for questioning. Not by all, but a general feeling. Could be real, could just be voices in my head. But I need to make a choice. People want me on one road, others on the other. Why can’t I choose for myself? Why can’t I be respected in that? Loved in that? Why do I even care what you think at all?
I don’t fit in with the world. I’m beginning to no longer fit in with the Church either. So where is my place? I don’t know. I truly don’t. I’m an outlaw, always on the run. A lone ranger. But I’m no Batman. I bear a dragon tattoo. I want justice, but can’t achieve it. Maybe I’m just a pathetic, insane taxi driver. I’m a lamb. And Nietzsche, be proud that I’ve claimed it and have chosen to sauté myself for the birds.
Melancholia is an angel of Death. It looms over me like a plague, yet is the vision by which I see. Do I walk with eyes open in the dark? Or closed, blind? Faith is blind. That scares me more than death. How can I walk my whole life blind? I’d rather reach infinitum nihil looking into its face than walk blindly towards it, hoping for more. And that’s where I ask God, the outsider, how he can say that he and I are alike. How can I choose his “hope” of no longer ever being alone by means of blindness? Is “redeeming” faith truly blind? Or is it more than knowledge, more than sight? There’s the Matrix, blind to reality. Neo takes the red pill. He opens his eyes to see the truth. I’ve taken the red pill too. Though I may only be touching a liquid mirror, I see the world more than just a Matrix. But at what point does Neo realize that what he thinks is reality is still only just a movie? When does he truly see what’s more real than real? (Death fades the movie to black, doesn’t it?)
People walk around blind, hoping that when they open their eyes they will see light. I’m opening mine. There isn’t. Maybe there will be in the future. But there isn’t now. It’s dark. It’s lonely. And my path is my own. Not my family’s. Not my friends’. Mine. Maybe God will show up, maybe he won’t. Some people have the opportunity to watch me walk my path. Let me. Speak wisdom, but more importantly speak love. I won’t have anything else. I don’t know where I’m going. The words you say to me, the actions you do towards me, I take on my journey. Are you making it harder? Or are you trying to lighten the load? You can’t carry it with me, but you can prevent adding more.
I don’t know what else to give you at this time. There’s more, there always is. Nothing is simple, which is why minimalism in art is more of a hope than a reality. It’s fantasy, a fairy tale. Don’t cheapen the mind, the art, the soul, in all its complexities. Nothing awaits us at death. Everything awaits us at death. It doesn’t matter what path you take. Just run towards truth. You must seek it; it won’t seek you. God is coming, and truth will follow, revealing itself. What do you want to see there? Do you think you’ll like what you see? Even if you don’t, it doesn’t matter. God is God, truth is truth, you are you, and darkness is an outsider. So let him in.